Saturday, July 20, 2013

Aim High

You know when it's coming time for soccer matches by the sound of shotguns. Nobody knows who actually released the first breeding pairs of kindergeier on American shores. The surviving urban left blames it on some fringe right-wing "get off my lawn" types, and the right blames it on the left's "we need to return to mother gaia" types (given they were behind the wolf reintroduction and effectively banned wolf hunting until it was irrefutable that the Northern Dire Wolf was indeed neither natural nor sticking to their mad scientist's lair far away from jogging trails.) I personally suspect it was some mad scientist who either didn't live long enough to take the credit, or was too ashamed of the real results of releasing fifteen-foot flying predators on American suburbia and rural habitats.

You see, they were beautiful and scary predators when in Africa (and who was the very drunk Afrikaner who confused one with a lammergeier, anyway? They're clearly mostly pterodacytl.) Once the average suburban mom realized their child was in danger... well, now we hold combined soccer and sporting clays, and every mom encouraging little Johnny or Susie on has a shotgun loaded with depleted uranium. Sure, they're shooting small clay disks - but the real competition is to see which team can bring down a kindergeier attracted by the sound and sight of a lot of children running around an open field. According to the records, soccer games these days are a whole lot more civilized, now that every audience member has a shotgun. I'm not so certain about that - because the ladies don't put their shotguns down when they go indoors for the PTA meetings, under the certainty that "predators are always out there." And you should see some of the, ah, more aggressively run meetings when a new educator or teacher imported from the concrete jungles and their liberal arts schools tries to bring the Old Progressive ideals of Re-Education up...

(We've also lost a couple teachers in our district, over the years, who didn't realize that the juveniles go after children, but the adults will just as happily go after a full-sized human. Lost a lot of ATF agents, too, but not many moonshiners - city folks never look up.)

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